Happiness

What does it mean to be happy? Joseph Smith said, "Happiness is the object and design of our existence...." The scriptures talk about joy and happiness. I have a testimony of the prophets and scriptures, so I know that happiness is something that we can have in this life.

I think because of my depression and current events in my life, that I am unable to even feel hope for happiness. I find it difficult to grasp that my once contented life now has no hope. Please don't misunderstand...I'm not in the depths of despair or need a suicide watch. But when one is depressed for an extended amount of time, one begins to lose hope of ever climbing from that pit. One begins to think, "Is this my life? Is this what I will have to look forward to for eternity? Will there be happiness once 'eternity' begins?"

What about now? When life becomes so difficult and even moments of pleasure are interrupted by depressing thoughts, how do we continue to have hope for something better?

For me, it is my testimony. A friend once told me that when she was depressed, the only thing that kept her sane was that she knew she had a testimony. She didn't feel it, but she knew her testimony was real and continuing to attend church was important for her to exemplify for her family. I don't have a family that reminds me of being an example, but I do have a testimony. My testimony has sustained me through other difficult times.

I question the meaning of happiness because I've always heard it was more of a state of being rather than a destination. But, I don't understand this. I'm not happy dealing with the difficulties in my life. Even before these difficulties started, I never considered myself happy. I was content. Is that happiness? Can we be perfectly happy in this mortal, fallen world?

When I think of that quote by Brother Joseph, I wonder if my definition of happy is skewed. The quote goes on to say something about as long as you pursue the path that leads to happiness can you achieve it. Meaning, we need to follow God's way for us. And truly, if we are rebelling against God then we will not be happy. We may have pleasure in our activities, but once the pleasure fades, we then feel the ramifications of sin.

But there are a lot of good people that have sad, depressing lives. And some of them are happy people. At least they appear to be. And I know that I appear to be happy. I would venture to say that no one who sees me daily has any idea that I am not happy and am suffering from depression. But it takes a lot of energy to keep up that facade (another topic). My point is that happiness is obviously something personal. And since there is a season for everything, perhaps it's my season to not be happy. That whole opposition thing, you know.

Feel like makin' bread!

The title is not what you think.

When I was at BYU, there were about 5-6 of us that would gather on Sunday evenings and sing. One guy brought his guitar and he would play chords as we sang various songs. We had some really good singers and had sopranos, altos, baritones, tenors, basses.

One Sunday after a fireside by Elder Packer (he spoke on chastity), we gathered as normal. Chad decided to play the chords from a song he just learned. All of us knew the song and began to sing/harmonize:

Baby, when I think about you
I think about love
Darlin, dont live without you
And your love
If I had those golden dreams
Of my yesterdays
I would wrap you in the heaven
till Im dyin on the way

Feel like makin
Feel like makin love
Feel like makin love to you

As we sang the chorus, we realized what we were singing. Suddenly, the whole group stopped as if a conductor had cut us off. We discussed how after hearing Elder Packer talk about chastity, that perhaps singing about making love wasn't appropriate.

So, we decided to come up with our own lyrics. Each person took a turn to make up a verse and chorus. The one that "won" was "Feel like makin' bread." I don't remember the lyrics now, but I remember singing about the smell and melted butter.

I love this group and love this song. However, whenever I hear it, my mind changes the chorus from "feel like makin' love" to "feel like makin' bread."

Read your scriptures!

I'm not really into New Year's resolutions. But I like the thought of goals. One of my goals is to read the Book of Mormon in 60 days. I am not expecting to receive deep insight or reveal new doctrines. But I do expect to become reacquainted with a beloved book. I do expect to feel the Spirit again in my life. I expect to have these 60 days help me to create a habit of turning to the scriptures more.

I couldn't sleep this morning, so at 4 am, I was dinking around on the computer and came across this website. Perhaps you know of it. But if you don't, look around. It's free and has a lot of features.

http://www.readthescriptures.com/


One of the things I like about it is you can set up a reading schedule and it will email you so that you can read it online, listen to it online, or just be reminded to read it (in your own scriptures if you prefer). There is also a way to mark the online scriptures with highlighter and notes. It keeps track of your notes. There's a journal and the ability to form a group to discuss the scriptures you are reading together.

Anyway, I began my 60 days today. I'm hoping I don't become a dork and skip a day thinking that I'll make it up. I find that if I do that, I tend to fall even further behind and then get discouraged and quit altogether.

If you join and decide you'd to form a group, let me know and I'll join the group. I'm all about others kicking me in the tush to help me with my goals.

So, whatever you decide to do, just do it--read your scriptures!

Happy Blah Blah to me

Today is my birthday. And it's a milestone birthday which means that it's depressing. Ok, not depths of despair depressing, but depressing in that I have to face reality that I'm getting older.

Aren't I supposed to be wiser or something when I'm older? I certainly don't feel it. In fact, I was playing the game, "Are you smarter than a fifth grader?" and realized that nope, I'm not. Especially in science and math.

Then I thought about how being wise isn't necessarily about being book smart. Life experiences teach us a lot, right? So, why do I do dumb things like not bring sunglasses to a country ruled by sun?

So, I've decided that wisdom is for other people. It's wasted on the youth anyway and since I don't want to admit that I'm getting old, then it would be wasted on me.

I'm tired and blah

I was thinking about how people always put on a "happy" face in public. We tend to not show any negative feelings (unless in extreme circumstances--like when the Colts lose). And I was thinking about how people's personal blogs lean towards the happy topics. After all, who wants to read a bunch of negative Nellie's thoughts?

But, I'm breaking from that tradition. Partly because I just like being a rebel. And partly because the reality of life is that not every day is a Glorious Utopia type of day.

I'm sad. And hurt. And confused. And tired. About a lot of things that I will not go into, but just know that I just don't want to deal with people or things right now. And that's just not an option. Why can't we just spend a week inside a secluded area and have absolutely no one to call us, nag us, worry about us, think about us? I just want some time alone to suck my thumb, snuggle into my blankie, and escape from reality.

Instead, I go to work and put on my happy face. I talk to people when they call me and sound excited for life. I still shop and eat and pay my bills. But I don't want to.

And although I'm excited to go to Mexico for Christmas, there is a part of me that wishes I could use that time to just hide in my house, watch reruns of Friends, eat Oreo cookies, and turn off the phone. But if I did that, then I would be 50 pounds heavier, living in the past, and saying to everyone, "How you doin'?"

So, I'll continue with my happy face in public. But, I just don't have the energy for posting on a blog. I have some ideas for blog posts. Maybe I'll use the time in Mexico to work on those in preparation for the new year.

Hawaii--the finale

I was sad to leave Hawaii. I'm not sure if I could live there--very expensive. Food, housing, gas, everything was more expensive that the 48 states. But, to vacation was fantastic. Here are some final pictures to warm us during the cold December.


Hawaii is known as the land of rainbows. It rained every day we were there. But the difference is that it was sunny also. After the rain ends, about 10-15 minutes, the rainbows can be seen. Here's a great one right above the place we stayed. You could usually see the full rainbow, although I found it difficult to capture on film.

We visited the only palace in America. Hawaii was once a monarchy and a beautiful palace was built sometime in 1800. Unfortunately, no pictures were allowed.

We also visited the Dole Plantation. Wow, I never knew that pineapples could taste so sweet and different. I thought pineapples came in pineapple flavor. But, there are different varieties with slightly different flavors.



Pineapples don't grow on trees (as I thought--I'm such a Hoosier hick). It grows from a fern like stiff plant.


Have you seen "Little Shop of Horrors?" Here's Audrey III...E. is feeding it, LOL! This is actually a pineapple.


Is this not the coolest tree you've ever seen? It reminded me of something from a Dr. Seuss book. It's called a Rainbow Tree, for obvious reasons.


Aww, don't we look sweet? Friends since the beginning days of college and we still like each other. This was taken at the Dole Plantation...they had a botanical garden there with lots of plants and things that are indigenous to the area. Shortly after this picture was taken, her 10 year old daughter fell into the pond behind us and hurt her knee pretty badly. There was lots of blood and tears. The employees were so nice and kind to us after that. We got a lot of free things including the tour, pineapple ice cream, and gifts. Girlie got so much free, fun stuff, I was looking for a pond to fall into.

On the last day of vacation, my friend got stung/bit/attacked by a Portuguese Man o'War. I'm sure she won't appreciate me telling the story, but it's too funny not to share. She and her husband went snorkeling when she was stung. She didn't know what happened...she just knew something was on her arm and now her arm hurt very badly. The locals said that it was probably a jellyfish and that vinegar or urine would help take away the pain. So, her husband bravely stood up to rescue his fair maiden. She made him go into the bathroom with a cup to do his deed. As he was pouring his "rescue" on her arm, the kids kept saying, "Ooo! It's frothy!" and all she felt was really warm liquid. It was disgusting to her, so she kept chanting, "It's beer...it's beer..."

By the way, her pain didn't go away. Once she got home, she did some research and found out that she had an allergic reaction and that urine and vinegar (which she used as well) made it worse.

And so we come to the end of our tropical vacation. I really enjoyed Hawaii...I would go again. And I would recommend it to anyone.

Hawaii Part 4

While we were at the PCC, they had a nighttime show. It was so much fun to see traditional dancing from the various Pacific Island cultures. My favorite was the Maori men (they make faces as they dance to "scare" their enemies) and the Tahitian women (they are the traditional shake-your-hips hula dancers).

Here's a video of our Maori warriors.







Here's a video of some fancy hip shaking. I could not take my eyes of these women's hips. Holy cow can those women do that for a long time!