I'm HOW old?

When I turned 30, I was a little sad. I reflected on what I thought 30 "looked" like for me and I wasn't anywhere I thought I would be. But, then I realized it was just a number and moved on.

Then 35 came. And I was even sadder. I realized that 35 sounded so old and wise. And I didn't feel either. And it meant that I now had to mark the second box on surveys. You know, the box about your age: __ 18-30 or __ 31-39

Now, it's time for the big 4-0. And I'm downright depressed. I'm forty years old! FORTY! I remember being in my teens and thinking 40 yrs old as OLD and middle aged and infirm and uncool and .....

I don't feel 40....whatever 40 is supposed to feel like. My mind is still in my late 20's with an occasional flit into the 30's. I don't think I look 40. I see women who are 40 and think, "Wow! I look so much younger than that!"

I just don't know what it means to be 40. It sounds so old and wise. Forty. Say it with me...forty. Don't you just envision someone who is well dressed, articulates her thoughts well, and dispenses wisdom at an alarming rate? Yeah, neither do I. I look in the mirror and I see a woman who tries to play dress up with makeup and jewelry, yet just like a 5 year old with her mother's things, looks awkward. But with a 5 year old, that awkwardness is cute....with a 40 year old, it's...well...awkward.

Well, whatever it means, I'm it now. I'm 40...maybe if I say it enough, I'll begin to actually believe it.